Garage porn and BBQ dreams

In the middle of 2020, we decided to relocate our family from New Jersey to Florida. It was the height of COVID, and everyone was still baking bread and uploading TikTok dances. We were excitedly expecting Baby #2 and knew we’d need more space than our cramped Jersey City apartment could provide.

I don’t consider myself a ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ kind of guy, but I found myself scrolling through social media at night, looking at garage gyms, lush backyards, and BBQ setups with outdoor kitchens. We had…a balcony the size of a Ford Focus. I dreamed of washing the car with my kids, riding bikes on the weekends, and finally having a home office that I could work in without interruption.

Fast forward an 18-hour drive, an uneventful birth, sudden unexplained seizures, and ultimately, a genetic test in December of 2021 showing Lexi had a rare condition called GNAO1 that left her with epilepsy, almost no muscular control, and global developmental delays.

My dreams of the perfect suburban nuclear family were slipping from my grasp.

For many of us, these diagnoses upend our lives and present more questions than answers.

The biggest question I grappled with was, “Who am I?” 

Am I the kind of man that’s going to give up? By running life on autopilot in a boozy haze of pity and self-loathing?

Am I the kind of dad who will pass on a generational curse to my children by raising a resentful older daughter who despises her lot in life (and her baby sister), and turns her back on us and Christ?

Am I the kind of special needs father who’s going not to do everything I can to provide for her a good life, to bring her joy, comfort, and security?

Am I the kind of husband who will unload all the mental burden on his wife, not be her best friend, and hide out in the garage/bar/airport?

To be clear - I grapple with those questions daily. It’s actually what keeps me focused. I learned I had to let go of what I thought was important so that I could hold onto the hands of those who need me.

This shift in mindset, along with deepening my reliance on faith, is something I continually work on.

That is why we must ‘Die Daily’— to sacrifice ourselves for others who NEED us.

So, who are you? More importantly, who are you going to be?

You can reply to me or keep it in your drafts, but I encourage you to take a few moments today to reflect and write down who you are (and who you want to be).

Why writing down your goals matters:

• Helps clarify your vision for you and your family - and what it will take to get there

• Keeps you accountable - and monitors progress toward your goals

• Reinforces commitment - and reminds you to stay the course

• Increases likelihood of success - and makes you the father you need to be

Together,
Duke

PS - a quick motivational speech from Georgia Tech’s prior S&C coach, Lewis Caralla. This quote sticks with me, even as someone who hates running and knows little about football: “Are you willing to sprint when the distance is unknown?”

PPS - my wife did buy me a Masterbilt Gravity Smoker & Grill- highly recommend!