Breathe and Stop

Eleven more days until the Christmas crescendo.

Ten more days of forgetting to move the Elf on the Shelf at night and scrambling to find a new spot in the morning before the kids are up.

Over the last few generations, it’s become more common to acknowledge that the holidays may not be so merry and bright for all. Familial loss and trauma, navigating airlines and in-laws, and trying to find the perfect gift for yourself is challenging.

Focusing on the reason for the season - Christ’s birth, is helpful to many, but perhaps not all.

And if you’re reading this as a father of a special needs child, even well-intentioned messages of grace and peace can come off as tone-deaf. That said, I’ve really enjoyed taking five minutes every morning this month to write down one thing I’m thankful for. But it has been hard carving out those daily extra five minutes this December - our kids have been in and out of school with illnesses, I’ve been trying to complete my honey-do list before I start a new job Monday, and we just adopted a baby rabbit for my eldest to pair (not mate!) with our other rabbit.

When my first was born, I was so excited for her to get her the annual Lego advent calendars. First was the Duplo, then Friends, and finally, regular Legos. Over the years, I’ve (we’ve?) amassed Lego Christmas villages, powered trains, and everything else I was allowed to get my hands on. With Lexi, though, it’s different. She still can’t hold onto Duplo, much less put bricks together. And, to be honest, we’ve had to stop putting together the full village scene because it’s both so time-consuming and not inclusive enough. Silly, but it makes me sad.

So we’ve adapted.

Before we had kids and the excuse for me to buy all the Legos, I enjoyed making full holiday meals from scratch. And while we rarely have the luxury of time to cook, I do have two kitchen helpers now. Here they are preparing this year’s Thanksgiving feast.

Thanksgiving morning was spent quietly playing Christmas worship music and having Lexi mix pumpkin puree, pull leaves off brussel sprouts, and mash boiled sweet potatoes. I overcooked the pork loin and Lexi threw up ten minutes into dinner, but we had the girls experience life together and got some good pics for our holiday card.

This morning, we finally decorated the tree we had put up two weeks ago. Lexi was back in her stander, helping put up ornaments and experiencing the texture of pine cones and various ornaments.

The holiday rush can be hard for us - this IG post encapsulates it pretty well.

So, I encourage you to breathe and stop. Bonus points if you can give your wife a moment to stop and breathe, too. Here are a couple of things I’m trying to incorporate this season.

1. December daily gratitude journaling - I mentioned this the other week, but it’s not too late to start. I try to knock this out first thing in the morning once the kids are at school. And I only write down positive things - so if, for example, I write that I’m thankful for my car, I don’t write about how expensive it is to maintain a German SUV with 100k miles. Good vibes only.

2. Walks around the neighborhood - leaving condo life in NJ has made me realize just how Christmas-obsessed suburban families are. I love it. I like to walk through the streets, taking in everyone’s lights and decorations. I try not to be jealous of neighbors with 20ft Santa inflatables, but I’m only human.

3. Year-end gift planning - my wife and I take our call to generosity very seriously. We sit down to discuss where and how much we can support our church’s year-end campaign, as well as other causes dear to us. Our journey is hard, but somehow, it gets easier when we focus on helping others with theirs.

4. Christmas worship music - I’m a ‘music on, all the time’ kind of guy. And as much as I love Mariah Carey and WHAM!, I try to have something calmer playing in the background. When I remember to, I put down whatever I’m doing and listen to a complete song without interruption.

5. Gifting to those who make our lives easier - our financial situations are all different, but if you’re blessed with it, share it. My wife and I are so incredibly grateful for the people around us who care for Lexi, either directly (her army of therapists and school aides) or indirectly (our water delivery guy always asks for updates).

6. Late-night munchies - My wife usually passes out when she gets the eldest to bed. So, I putter around the finally quiet house, tidying up and preparing for the next day. My wife listens to a sermon daily from pastors nationwide, so I do the same. We listen to Radiant (our home church), Journey Church in Orlando, Life Church in Houston, Lakepointe Church in Dallas, and The Rock Church in San Diego. Since it’s the Christmas season and I’ll start a diet in the new year, I take this opportunity to sit down for a moment with whatever bag of carbs I find and soak in His word.

I hope that this season is a gentle one for you. I pray you can make time to reflect and refresh in the midst of holiday parties and tinsel. You are not alone on this journey. In fact, if you want to chat with me to vent or share your walk, just email me and I’ll make it work.

May your holidays be bright and your spirit renewed,
Duke

P.S. This edition’s title is a reference to rap artist Q-Tip’s 1999 iconic hit, “Breathe and Stop”. The music video is probably a good example of why my parents didn’t let me watch MTV in the 90’s. Gyrating women aside, the song is a celebration of individual expression, personal goals, and the grind to overcome obstacles in the pursuit of those aims.